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The Heat want to make a run at Greg Oden. I want to make a run at Isla Fisher. Both have equal odds.

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The Heat are cash strapped. That tends to happen when you have three superstars playing on one team (or former superstars in the case of Chris Bosh — sorry, Chris). They need to improve their team and yet they don’t have much room and only one exception to use. So what’s the plan? Apparently it’s to go after one of the players who remains a high-priced commodity despite his inability to stay on the floor due to repeated injuries. That’s right. The Heat want to pursue Greg Oden.

From the WWL:

The Heat are considering making a run at restricted free agent Greg Oden, league sources said. Oden, who hasn’t played in nearly two years after suffering two different knee injuries, has a key doctor’s examination this week when he could be cleared to resume contact practices.

Oden has a one-year qualifying offer from the Portland Trail Blazers for $8.9 million on his plate at the moment. The most the Heat could offer is the bulk of the $5 million mid-level exception.

via Portland Trail Blazers’ Greg Oden drawing interest from Miami Heat, sources say – ESPN.

Yeah, let me go out on a limb here and say there is zero chance of this happening. It’s not just the $8.9 million qualifying offer from Oden. There’s a better than decent chance that the Blazers, backed by Paul Allen who did a Batman impression at the CBA talks in the forms of intimidation over wanting to reset salary offers, will make a ridiculous extension offer. And if they don’t, some team will. That’s the punchline of the lockout. Teams are still going to make a ridiculous offer for a guy who has had three knee surgeries. Because he’s tall, and bulky, and for some reason people still insist on saying he has “bad luck” with “freak injuries.” I’m sympathetic towards Oden. I hope his days of injury are over. It’s terrible for not just the basketball, financial, and emotional reasons for Oden, but because injuries diminish quality of life, and Oden as suffered a lot with them. But he’s still going to get that offer, and his injuries are a pattern.

Essentially the Heat are hoping that he elects to turn down the qualifying offer from Portland, all other offers (or that those teams have the restraint not to go overboard with an offer – hahahahahahaah that’s good, I needed that), and that he wants to play with the Heat. The last part isn’t tricky. Everything else is.

See, I think Isla Fisher is insanely beautiful and she’s the single funniest female I’ve ever seen outside of Gilda Radner and Tina Fey. But if you’re going to look at my odds of landing her, outside of the fact that I’m happily married with a kid, well, they’re not great. See she’s happily to Sasha Baron Cohen with two daughters. Other than that, well, um, she’s Isla Fisher and er, I… well, you get the point. Even if she didn’t have the qualifying offer (continued marriage with one of the funniest people on earth and a wonderful family), she’d still have to take less money despite better offers (from everyone else on the planet). So no, my odds are not great, and neither are the Heat’s.

I ran this by my wife. She laughed for twenty seconds then told me to take the garbage out. She doesn’t think the Heat have a great shot either.

If Pat Riley manages to pull this off, it will be his second offseason of creating sheer magic.

John Wall’s reaction to the Cousins’ trade is to have a drink (VIDEO)

WASHINGTON, DC - FEBRUARY 13: John Wall #2 of the Washington Wizards looks on against the Oklahoma City Thunder in the first half at Verizon Center on February 13, 2017 in Washington, DC.  NOTE TO USER: User expressly acknowledges and agrees that, by downloading and or using this photograph, User is consenting to the terms and conditions of the Getty Images License Agreement.  (Photo by Rob Carr/Getty Images)
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It was a strange situation in the “mix room” interview zone after the All-Star Game Sunday, the place the majority of players went for a post-game media obligation (MVP Anthony Davis, the coaches, and a few other players who had big games such as Russell Westbrook went to a different, larger room).

Strange because in the three hours or so the players had been away from their phones and social media accounts, the DeMarcus Cousins trade had gained steam and seemed destined to be done (the story the deal was done broke about 15-20 minutes later). The players walked in and had no idea what had happened — including Cousins.

But I loved John Wall‘s reaction.

When the news broke about the Cousins trade, it seemed everyone needed a drink. Wall had his recovery drink handy — notice the label was stripped off of the bottle, meaning it was not the NBA sponsor’s product — so he went with that.

Kyrie Irving on All-Star Game: “I would love to play in a competitive game”

NEW ORLEANS, LA - FEBRUARY 19:  Stephen Curry #30 of the Golden State Warriors reacts after the 2017 NBA All-Star Game at Smoothie King Center on February 19, 2017 in New Orleans, Louisiana. NOTE TO USER: User expressly acknowledges and agrees that, by downloading and/or using this photograph, user is consenting to the terms and conditions of the Getty Images License Agreement.  (Photo by Ronald Martinez/Getty Images)
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NEW ORLEANS — The NBA All-Star Game is supposed to be a star-studded exhibition, and not one necessarily aimed at the core of basketball fans. Sort of like the Super Bowl, the goal of the All-Star Game is to suck in the casual fan to watch both great athleticism and the show around it — The Roots, John Legend and on down the line. In the city the weekend of the event, it’s as much about showing league sponsors a good time as it is basketball.

Let’s be honest, the basketball itself isn’t good. From the Rising Stars challenge through the All-Star Game itself, there’s matador defense and cherry picking all game long. The defense was so bad Stephen Curry was literally laying down on the job.

Kyrie Irving would like to see that change, and he speaks for at least some players.

“For me, I would love to play in a competitive game,” Irving said. “I know we play in competitive games in the summer, pickup games, but I think going forward, the All-Star experience will probably get a little harder in terms of defense going forward.”

Will it? Guys are trying not to get hurt and — like the entire weekend itself — are focused on the fun off the court far more than anything on it.

“It’s all in good fun, but I definitely think that, if we want a competitive game, guys will probably have to talk about it before the game,” Irving said.

The onus to change this falls to the players, something. West coach Steve Kerr echoed.

“I think that in the past, at least generally in the fourth quarter, guys have picked it up. That’s what I was expecting. It didn’t happen (Sunday),” Kerr said. “I would like to see it more competitive. I’m not sure how to do it. It’s up to the players really.

“As a coach in the All-Star game, you ever seen that movie ‘Weekend At Bernie’s’? They might as well just bring a couple dead bodies on the sidelines. We’re not doing anything up there. Just prop us up.”

To get guys to play harder, the league is going to have to find an incentive to motivate the players. Currently, the winning team’s players get $50,000 each, the losing team $25,000 — while that extra $25K would make a big difference in your life or mine, for All-Stars with eight-figure annual salaries it doesn’t matter as much as staying healthy and getting some rest.

“It would be good to possibly incentivize the guys somehow, Kerr said. “I don’t know if you can maybe get their charities involved or winner-take-all type thing, but I think it’s possible to play a lot harder without taking a charge. We know what silly is out there, if you’re undercutting guys, but it’s almost gone too far the other way where there’s just no resistance at all. I think there’s a happy medium in there somewhere.”

There is, but until the NBA comes up with a new plan we’re not going to see it All-Star Weekend.

Kings announcer goes scorched earth on Twitter after DeMarcus Cousins trade

DALLAS, TX - DECEMBER 07:  DeMarcus Cousins #15 of the Sacramento Kings takes on the Dallas Mavericks in the second half at American Airlines Center on December 7, 2016 in Dallas, Texas. NOTE TO USER: User expressly acknowledges and agrees that, by downloading and or using this photograph, User is consenting to the terms and conditions of the Getty Images License Agreement.  (Photo by Tom Pennington/Getty Images)
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DeMarcus Cousins is now a member of the New Orleans Pelicans, but that hasn’t stopped members of the Sacramento Kings organization from taking shots at him as he walks out the door.

In the team press release announcing the trade on Monday Sacramento GM Vlade Divac said, “Winning begins with culture and character matters.”

Subtle.

Meanwhile, the team’s play-by-play announcer Grant Napear went scorched earth on Cousins minutes after the trade was announced. The Twitter thread is pretty dang straightforward:

Yikes.

There’s definitely a contingent of Kings fans that were fed up with Boogie’s attitude — 7 years is a long time to wait for your franchise center to not consistently get kicked out of games — but it’s not a good look to flame the dude on his way out.

Saying you don’t think they could win with him is one thing, but saying he’s a “dark cloud” and that most of his teammates hated him is borderline. Plus, coming from a team-affiliated it’s just a weird thing to do.

Napear has had his issues with Cousins in the past, so perhaps it’s understandable we see this reaction with the big man now in a new uniform.

Add this to Divac saying he had a better deal lined up two days ago, and the Kings look even moreso like an organization without a direction.

Charles Barkley hung out with King Cake Baby to celebrate his birthday (VIDEO)

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One of the New Orleans Pelicans mascots is a Pelican. His name is Pierre, and after a makeover he’s looking pretty normal these days. But the Pelicans also have a second mascot of sorts. His name is King Cake Baby — named after the Mardi Gras pastry — and he’s horrifying.

So when you have an NBA All-Star Game in town, what do you do? Trot out a giant baby mascot to mix in with the league’s elite, of course.

Or at least have him bother Charles Barkley on his birthday:

Ok it’s actually weirder that Kenny Smith wanted to see what was under King Cake Baby’s bib. I can never unsee that.