NBA finals Lakers Celtics Game 1: Your pre-emptive hyperbolic headlines

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So here we are. It’s go time. Time for the dance. Ready to rumble. A June for all the marbles (until November, at which point it starts all over again, especially if your team loses in which case you will disavow this season behind an excuse). It’s the NBA finals! And it’s Lakers-Celtics! OMG!

So before we get this here party started, we thought we’d go ahead and map out a few scenarios that will be leading tomorrow’s headlines. We’re not precognitive, we’re just precious.

“PIERCE ‘WHEELS’ WAY TO CELTICS COMEBACK”
: You realize if Pierce gets fouled hard tonight and goes down for a heartbeat he’s going to get it from Staples as bad as if he mistakenly called Prada Gucci. (Those brands ares still relevant, Lakers fans, yes?) After 2008’s wheelchair thing, Lakers fans can’t help but bring it up every fourteen seconds. The phrase “Pierce’s wheelchair” gets used more in Staples than “So is that a touchdown?” from the lower bowl attendees. If Pierce gets hurt and comes back, the roar of disdain will cause The Big One. And I’m not referring to a Glen Davis bowel movement.

“KOBE BRYANT IS A BAD MAN”: Here’s what’s great about Bryant. He can miss five consecutive shots in the final minute of a game, allowing a 10-0 run from the Celtics which ties it, then knock down an off-balance, fadeaway, poor-look three completely outside of the context of the actually drawn up play and will hear nothing but adulation. Bryant is untouchable as long as he hits that last one, and he can hit it with all the restrictions mentioned, with a blind fold with one leg behind his back while singing “Hakuna Matata.” Sports writers love easy storylines and “KOBE BRYANT IS AWESOME’ is a remarkably easy one.

“LAKERS ZONED OUT”: There’s almost no chance that the C’s opt to implement a zone. It’s risky, hard to execute, and weak against NBA players. That said, wouldn’t it be interesting if Doc Rivers whipped it out in the third quarter (the zone, I mean, you sicko)? To bring back nightmares of the Suns series, only with better defenders. Truth be told, the Celtics already play a version of it with man-help, where the interior defenders constantly shift to shut down the lanes while the perimeter defenders apply ball pressure. A few more cemented zones wouldn’t be the most outlandish thing in the world, and the headlines would be fantastic, if by fantastic you mean horribly cliche.

“PAU-PAU-PAU-ER WHEELS TAKE GAME 1”: Yes, that’s two ‘wheels’ jokes. What can I say, sportswriters have a thing for circles. Pau Gasol is probably due for a standout game that leaves you breathless and while Kevin Garnett is a man’s man, Pau Gasol is.. well, a Spaniard’s seven foot tall All-Star with incredible range and touch and terrible facial hair. Gasol taking over Game 1 would lead into a perfect angle of the “costar” stepping up for the “lead star” Kobe Bryant.

Also, be prepared for the following.

  • Statements from the losing side regarding the free throw discrepancy and/or crucial foul calls late in the game, even if their team was down 10.
  • Immediate columns about how the team that lost is in “trouble” despite it being only a singular game, and a million references to the odds of winning the finals if you win the first game.
  • Columns blasting the showboat behavior of a star player/defending the showboat behavior of a star player.
  • Numerous internet pieces on the movie stars in attendance and their wardrobe.
  • Randy Newman.

Enjoy Game 1 everyone! Be sure to come back later for our livechat at 9EST!

It’s a trend: Russell Westbrook posts video of him singing two more breakup songs

LOS ANGELES, CA - DECEMBER 21:  Russell Westbrook #0 of the Oklahoma City Thunder and Kevin Durant #35 discuss play during the first half against the Los Angeles ClipperLos Angeles Kingsat Staples Center on December 21, 2015 in Los Angeles, California.  NOTE TO USER: User expressly acknowledges and agrees that, by downloading and or using this Photograph, user is consenting to the terms and condition of the Getty Images License Agreement.  (Photo by Harry How/Getty Images)
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At this point, there is zero chance Russell Westbrook‘s posts are a coincidence.

First. he posted a video of himself singing along to Lil Uzi Vert’s “Now I Do What I Want.”

Then came the shoe ad that was another little jab at now Warriors Kevin Durant.

Now comes Westbrook’s return to karaoke posts, this time singing Taylor Swift’s “We Are Never Getting Back Together” and Katy Perry’s “Wide Awake.”

Apparently, Westbrook and Durant are having one rough teenage breakup.

Fun throwback video: Paul George vicious dunk on LeBron’s Heat

Indiana Pacers' Paul George goes up for a dunk during the second half of an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets, Friday, Dec. 18, 2015, in Indianapolis. Indiana won 104-97. (AP Photo/Darron Cummings)
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One of the great stories of last season was the return of Paul George to All-Star level form (then to watch him be crucial to the USA winning gold this summer).

It was a great story because vintage Paul George was so great. Watch this throwback video of him blowing by LeBron James and dunking over Chris Andersen from a few years back — this is vicious.

@ygtrece to the rack in the #NBAPlayoffs! #NBAvault

A video posted by NBA History (@nbahistory) on

By the way, if you’re not following NBA history on Twitter and Instagram, you’re doing it wrong.

Chris Bosh on if he’s working out: “Yes, I’m hooping. I’m a hooper.”

CHARLOTTE, NC - APRIL 25:  Chris Bosh #1 of the Miami Heat watches on from the bench against the Charlotte Hornets during game four of the Eastern Conference Quarterfinals of the 2016 NBA Playoffs at Time Warner Cable Arena on April 25, 2016 in Charlotte, North Carolina.  NOTE TO USER: User expressly acknowledges and agrees that, by downloading and or using this photograph, User is consenting to the terms and conditions of the Getty Images License Agreement.  (Photo by Streeter Lecka/Getty Images)
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Chris Bosh wants to play basketball this season. Of that, there is no doubt.

The question is will the Heat let him after he missed the end of the last two seasons due to potentially life-threatening blood clots? If so, will he have minutes or travel restrictions?

Bosh is working out to get ready for the season — he posted a video of it Monday on Snapchat, showing off his handles, and put it this way: Ues, he’s hooping.

The Heat and Bosh need to come to common ground on this before training camp opens. Bosh is on blood thinners for his condition, the team and he need to decide if he can come off them on game days or if there is another protocol that works for everyone.

The Heat would be a vastly better team with Bosh on the court this season, but that didn’t motivate them to bring him back during the playoffs last season (even though he wanted to). Whatever happens, Bosh wants to play.

Former Nuggets coach Bernie Bickerstaff talks when Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf sat for Anthem

15 Mar 1996: Point guard Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf of the Denver Nuggets stands in prayer during the singing of the National Anthem before the Nuggets game against the Chicago Bulls at the United Center in Chicago, Illinois. Abdul-Rauf came to an agreement with
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Twenty years before Colin Kaepernick made his stand by sitting for the national anthem during preseason games — something he has every right to do: if we are going to force compliance in our rituals of allegiance how are we different as a nation than the countries we rail against for forced indoctrination? — the NBA had Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf.

For those that don’t remember, Abdul-Rauf was a good NBA guard and a member of a Denver Nuggets in the mid-1990s. He had converted to being a Muslim during his playing career. As his faith and beliefs grew, he came to view the flag as a symbol of oppression. In the middle of the 1995-96 season, he told the NBA he would no longer stand for the anthem. Everything was kept quiet for a while, but when the PR storm hit it led to a few strange days — the league suspended him at one point — before was a compromise where he would stand for the anthem but pray into his hands during it.

Bernie Bickerstaff was the coach of the Nuggets at the time and went on SiriusXM NBA Radio Monday to talk about those days. His first reaction was that of virtually every coach who has heard or talked about Kaepernick.

“Distractions,” Bickerstaff said. “It caused a lot of distractions, and you know at that point the number of media members was not quite as resounding as it is today. But still, it was a distraction.”

Bickerstaff said he was blindsided byAbdul-Rauf’s decision, and he said they scrambled to deal with the fallout. He said he and the brain trust of the team eventually had a meeting with the guard and told him if he wanted to be on the team he had to stand for the anthem.

“We had him come in, to sit down and have a conversation, and the conversation was about, the one thing that we have in this life is freedom of choice, and with that choice comes consequences. And my conversation with him was simply that one of the guys I probably admired most at that time was Muhammad Ali, because not only did he make a decision not to step forward but it was the part of it, the things that he gave up, and our message basically to (Abdul-Rauf) was ‘Hey, that’s the guy I admire. If you really feel that way then you go home, and you give us a call and let us know you’re willing to walk away from that contract, and then I can really, really, respect that…

“When he got home, we got a call and he said ‘I think I want to be on the trip.’ And that’s our understanding, if you’re on the trip, then you’re standing.”

The NBA came in with a more fair compromise.

If this were to happen again with the NBA, it would be interesting to see how Adam Silver would handle this compared to the heavy-handed David Stern.